Am I Cut Out For Motherhood?

As I went through college, I had many plans in my ambitious heart. I was going to have a career and make X amount of money, driven by a quest for security. Marriage was definitely in the plans and as for having children, I was absolutely devoid of any feelings about it. I didn't really see myself as a mother and, to be honest, I didn't have a great respect for motherhood. I suspect, looking back, I was influenced by rampant feminism which exalts career over motherhood. Be a homemaker who stays home with her kids? Not me.

Then, I became a believer just before my last year of college. My ambitions and fierce need for a hefty savings account to protect me from all the trials of the world slowly disappeared. I learned to put my self-worth and my security in the Son. The desire for marriage and the lack of maternal urge remained. 

Since the Son changed the many plans in my heart, I didn't get a career that I envisioned. It wasn't because the choice was taken from me. Instead, I pursued the Son's calling on my life clear across the Atlantic Ocean to another country for two years without a single regret about the direction my life was taking. Then, I got married. I still had no urge to have kids but I wasn't opposed to them either. Motherhood seemed like such a thankless task. Almost uncool. I wasn't really suited for homemaking and motherhood because my gifts and skills lie elsewhere. 

I actually chose and pursued motherhood with heartfelt prayers because a loss of a precious baby, who the Father planted in my heart to my surprise. My priorities and the many plans in my heart changed. After discovering that our baby no longer lived, I suddenly understood the value of a child and how motherhood was a noble calling. The loss changed me irrevocably. 

With one baby in heaven, the Father has blessed us with two girls. Am I cut out for domesticity and motherhood now? Of course not. As I pointed out above, my gifts and skills lie elsewhere.  My skills and gifts are not in hospitality, organizing, decorating, baking, teaching at a preschool level, making cool crafts with the kids, and things pertaining to homemaking and motherhood. I stumble through each day making mistakes and struggle with feelings of inadequacy often.

As I said, motherhood is a calling. If I have learned anything in my life about the numerous callings the Father placed on me, I was never equipped in the first place and the Father never abandoned me to obey His calling on my own. He always equips and brings about fruit. One doesn't have to have amazing parenting and homemaking skills to be a mother; the most important part is the grace the Father extends to a mother. The grace is bottomless and always sufficient. If my kids turn out to follow the Son with all their hearts, it will be because of His grace, not my skills or the lack of. 

If anything, the feelings of inadequacy are the perfect sign that I am where I am supposed to be....completely reliant on His grace. That's the way to go. 

PS: If you can't follow my thread of reasoning here, it's because I wrote this at midnight and I ought to be in bed.