Happy Mother's Day

It's been so long since I posted last, nearly two months, and I don't want to write a catch-up post but write down my thoughts and reflections.

Soon as I posted last time, we found out we were expecting. It was a surprise and I have to admit, I was very surprised. While I know the mechanics of how I got pregnant (rolling eyes), I still couldn't figure out how it happened. I looked at the calendar and counted, over and over. There was just no way. I finally just decided that God had simply made it happen. We're fine with that.

I have to admit that I was a bit discouraged at first because we were in the thick of completing the endless tasks of language learning, translating Bible stories, memorizing the stories, taping and editing, and uploading for evaluation while under a looming deadline. The thought of battling nausea and fatigue on top of all the responsibilities and deadline was overwhelming. The timing didn't seem that great to me in my finite mind but I was always able to remind myself that His timing is always perfect.

Incredibly, God was very good. I was completing my work on schedule without getting behind. I took naps on the couch at the office when I needed to. I ate a heavy lunch of chicken and veggies to quell the nausea. The nausea was significantly much better this time around than with the girls. I was really only slightly nauseous for 3-4 weeks out of the entire first trimester. I thought maybe it was because I was learning to manage it better but it turned out that we're having a BOY. That would explain a lot. It has definitely been a different pregnancy so far with a boy than with my girls.

I pulled out of the first trimester feeling great only to have a scary experience. A little over a week ago, I walked the half mile to preschool to pick Ava up and walked her home. Half an hour later, I began bleeding heavily and suddenly. I texted my OB while I tried to cope, sending the girls out of the bathroom (as they are wont to follow me into the bathroom where I have an audience while doing my business) when Ava realized what was happening and became alarmed. Greg whisked the girls away. My OB said to come to her office immediately and so we did.

I thought I was having another miscarriage. I teared up and grabbed a hold of myself while readying to go to her office and while riding to the office, tears began rolling down again. This baby was a surprise gift to us. While I knew that God would comfort us perfectly and faithfully, I was just sad at the thought of the baby's chance at life being taken away. But then I began to have hope. I just didn't have a sense of finality. What if the source of the bleeding was something else, something wrong with ME, not the baby? A clot? A cyst?

The ultrasound revealed a beating heart and wriggling baby. I have never once in my life cried in happiness until then. I think maybe it was more from relief. Never has the sight of a baby on ultrasound been more precious than that day. The source of bleeding was found to be placenta previa - or rather, as my OB explained, like placenta previa. She said it's not an official diagnosis before 20 weeks (I was about 14 weeks or soon to be). I was then put on full bed rest for the weekend and then light bed rest for as long as I have placenta previa.

When I think about the ride to the OB's office, I realized that I didn't have that deep conviction that something was wrong. When I had the miscarriage, the first sign was the sudden cessation of nausea and fatigue. I knew deep down that something was wrong. I had no other sign of miscarriage yet. I decided to ignore this (it was my first pregnancy, I had no idea what was it was supposed to be like) and carry on. For a couple of days afterwards, I ignored the niggling feeling while I was having my daily quiet time. I sensed a question being asked of me: what if the baby died? It was a persistent nudge to my spirit to address it so I finally obeyed. I then answered the Lord, "If the baby dies, I will still love you."

After being told that our dear baby had died in utero, I grappled with a huge range of intense emotions. I remembered asking why. Greg once said to me that my asking why was a sign of anger at God and which I swiftly and vehemently told him he was wrong. Asking why is simply humans nature. We always want to know the purpose of things, especially unexpected tragedies and death. We think that knowing the purpose would help us to bear the sorrow. Knowing or not knowing doesn't help; it helps to trust that in everything that God does, He is always good. God was not being malicious calling that sweet baby home.

Comparing the two experiences (bleeding in one pregnancy was a death knell, bleeding in another was simply a symptom), I wonder how much the Holy Spirit informs us what is happening before we have the facts. I knew with the first miscarriage something was wrong but this time around, I had hope. Maybe some would call this mother's instinct but then, who was it that gave us mother's instinct? It makes me think of all the times I'd felt it was a girl or boy and I'd been right every time but I digress.

Since having the diagnosis of placenta previa (I am so thankful to have that instead of a miscarriage!), God has been enveloping my heart and mind with peace. What a different response and outcome in this pregnancy. I can only marvel at the goodness of God in good times and sad times.

Today's Mother's Day. I think of how we could have lost this little one and this day would have been a sad day indeed. It made me think of I spent my first Mother's Day with empty arms. Some may argue that you're not a mother unless you have a living child but, having lost one and having three living ones, I can definitely say that you're a mother the minute you become pregnant because you're bonded to the baby regardless of the outcome. Try disagreeing with me and you will probably not get a gracious response from me but a punch to the nose. I'm just saying.

My heart is full. I have an awesome husband who is good to me and good for me. I have two lovely girls and a little boy on the way. I am thankful for the one in heaven, too. I definitely have an abundant life. I am thinking of others who have lost their babies or struggle with infertility.

Happy Mother's Day.