Personal Touch

One of the things in this culture that I grappled with off and on is the amount of affection and attention lavished on kids, specifically my girls. It's wonderful how much the people here love kids. They really do. Shop owners will give a little treat (piece of fruit, candy, trinket, etc) to a small child. My girls have gotten their fair share. That's not the only sign of affection they display. They will often touch the child, hug him, pinch cheeks, kiss him on the cheeks. And these are perfect strangers on the street, in a store, at the doctor's office, in a restaurant, on a bus. Sometimes they are people in my apartment building, the owners of shops we frequent, people we were familiar with so that's only slightly okay. Physical affection from trusted friends is more acceptable.

I was really uncomfortable with all that when we first moved here because I was unused to it. I especially uncomfortable when the physical affection came from men. If men stopped to talk to Ava on the street, I frequently ushered her on our way discreetly before they could touch her. I don't doubt their intentions are innocent because their display of affection completely acceptable here but I'm super watchful. Then I got used to it well enough but still watchful. There wasn't much of an issue with Ava accepting the signs of affection, whether physical or a gift, until she began to reject and run away from people touching her, men or women, when she turned four. Clearly, she was getting uncomfortable.

I don't mind that she wants to avoid affection from people - whether they be strangers, friends, or relatives. In fact, I've told her that she never has to accept it if she doesn't like it. I refuse to bow to people pleasing and the cultural pressure. I'm unapologetic about it. I don't admonish her for turning down hugs and kisses and I rarely force her to accept them. I don't even apologize for her behavior and if I find people literally chasing her and insisting on giving her a hug or kiss, I step in and shake my head, "No." She does have to speak to them politely when spoken to and she can shake their hands.

The reason I do this is because I never want my girls to lose their sense of comfort with personal touch. I want them to have boundaries for themselves, whether naturally from themselves or we've set for them. I've talked with Ava about people touching her, what parts of her body are not allowed, and who can and cannot touch her (for example, doctors while mom and dad are present but not strangers). My thought is that if I force my girls to accept touch when they are uncomfortable (their discomfort is their warning system of danger), then they are not going to know when the touch is inappropriate and when they can reject it freely. I don't want them to be molested and think they have to tolerate it because they have to accept hugs and kisses from strangers, especially men.

It will be easier for Ava as she grows older. I notice the nationals here don't really grab, hug, and kiss older kids. The attention definitely waned as Ava grew. I know babies and chubby toddlers are hard to resist and kids stop being cute around the age of four (admit it, it's true!). Darcy is in the cute, cuddly, chubby stage and she is even more shy than Ava was at that age. I'm not sure how much her age plays into it and how much of it is personality but she cries if a stranger gets close to her. She screams through check ups at the doctor. Once, a 12-year-old son of our American friends approached her open car window to talk to us while she was strapped in her car seat and she began to look afraid and started reaching for me. She needs a long time to warm up to people. I suspect the cultural norm of lavishing affection on children will be harder for her.

So, a big part of living overseas is integrating into the culture and obeying the cultural rules. There are some things about the culture that I don't like accommodating (such as dressing my kids more warmly than needed because that's what they all do and we get fussed at) but the physical attention aspect is something I don't bend on. It's not worth endangering my children's sense of personal space, personal safety, and personal comfort. They need to obey their sense of danger and urge to flee -- it would probably save their lives.

Once we're in the States, this will probably become an non-issue. Compared to Turkey, America doesn't like kids, especially when you read articles about businesses considering banning kids (such as airlines and restaurants) because of complaints from patrons about rowdy, loud kids. So, for now, we can breathe a sigh of relief while we're on furlough.