Processing

It's been two months since we arrived in the States. I arrived weary and nearly burned out. I was emotionally and spiritually dry. In the last month, all the stress that I was carrying gushed away from me like huge, roaring waterfall. Finally, true rest. I'm no longer at rock bottom but I'm not out of the valley either. I'm no longer very stressed but I'm not completely replenished. It's only been two months. It looks like it will take more time to rest and heal.

The resting and healing requires me to process, analyze, and understand what was happening during our three years overseas. I have a strong tendency to analyze so I look at the whole term and see that it was challenging, made us grow, and we had good times, too. It was the third year was the hardest, the darker of the term. I can pinpoint exactly when things started going downhill and I can also point to a few things that contributed to it but it's really one big, hazy blur. I don't really want to explain or describe it right now because I am still figuring it all out.

A book that I am reading is helping me to think this through. It has been an eye opener. It's called Expectations and Burnout for women who work and live overseas. It validates my experience and what I am feeling. I am not alone in this. One helpful part of the book is that it describes the symptoms of exhaustion and burnout, the difference between exhaustion and burnout. I was shocked when I realized I was experiencing those symptoms and was very close to burnout if not already burned out. I understood my sudden insomnia in that third year, the lack of interest in food and very slow weight gain in pregnancy, why the vacations we took to try and recover didn't help, my obsessive need to escape from stress into TV shows on Netflix to the point of idolatry (which I repented of and cut subscription to Netflix), and many other symptoms. I came to the point that I had no emotional energy to invest in relationships, was dreading interaction, didn't want to see anyone, etc. I was just too empty. Hopefully now that I understand the symptoms, I can wisely watch out for them next time.

Right now, with prayer, Scriptures, and this book's help, I'm hope to understand what was and still is happening. I have questions that I need answered. One thing I am being reminded of is that none of it was a waste. All the suffering, stress, struggling was not meaningless, no matter whether it was brought on by myself, by my company, or by God. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 and 16-17, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies...so we do not lose heart...for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..."

This is light and momentary. There is an eternal weight of glory being prepared that we cannot even begin to imagine. And so we do not lose heart, we do not lose hope.

All in all, I hope to return to our next term with realistic expectations (as the book will help me adjust), knowing my limits and how to function within my limits while leaning on God, and refreshed in the Lord to the point of overflowing. That's my hope and prayer.

In the meantime, I'm resting without feeling guilty about it. We're all resting. I can sit on the couch and rest without feeling the self-condemnation and relentless drive to be productive. We stay busy but it's a nice sort of busy. We're enjoying stress-free time with the girls and anticipating the baby boy's arrival. We are doing fun things, enjoying America. We enjoy the house that we are in - the creaky, quirky, lovely 1950s farmhouse nestled between a couple of ancient, giant oak trees. The yard around the house is spacious and a tire swing entertains the girls. We like to sit on a couple of rocking chairs on the porch. We are being well taken care of by the sweet church that is hosting us. They are directly across the street and they also have a preschool that they've graciously allow Darcy to attend for free three mornings a week. She loves it. We attend their 8:30 service on Sunday mornings and will now start regularly going to the second service at our home church, just 25 minutes away. Our home church gave us a joyful, glad welcome when we first visited which was a balm to our hearts. How we love our church. It's so nice to worship there without feeling odd as if we didn't belong. We are reconnecting with old friends and they encourage us so much with their conversation naturally seasoned and overflowing with spiritual truths, reminding us once again who God is.

Here we are. God is good.